Depression : A mental condition characterized by feelings of severe despondency and dejection. It causes serious disturbances in a person's emotions that include the loss of pleasure, sleep problems, a lack of concentration, negative thoughts, or suicidal ideation.
Generally speaking : They cause psychological discomfort and impair one's ability to function.
This may be a general definition you may find in your average dictionary if you had to search it up as a psychological term.
Except the thing is, it is very hard to describe depression for anyone who goes through it. For some, it may feel like an entire mass of fog that settles in your brain and blocks out your thoughts. For others, it may feel like a separate entity that warps outside interactions with people into something negative.
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It was hard to look back on my life at times, when I would still remember a hardworking, self-motivated girl who would be very willing to study a lot and get good grades. She was creative; she was bright; she had many talents and made her loved ones proud.
More importantly, she was happy.
That was the girl I knew my parents loved.
That was the girl I knew my friends loved.
That was the girl I believed God loved.
And I remember vividly the day she died.
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It simply started with a birthday wish. I was in fifth grade at that time - when I thought of something that ingrained itself into my memory.
"I wish I would die on my birthday."
It was just a thought. But something was clearly wrong. Looking back - no matter how much I replayed the memory, the only thing I could remember that were linked to the thought were feelings of loneliness and thoughts of never being loved.
This was only the beginning, before I was aware of what I was really going through two years later.
I had yet to know of all the physical and cognitive side effects depression and anxiety would have on me.
My mood just started to plummet.
And I fell into a new reality - one that conquered my mind even today.
It took at least six years before I was able to reach out and successfully find some help I needed. But even then, I'm struggling.
My parents (although they were well-intentioned), said that I had absolutely nothing to be depressed about and should just "stop being lazy and snap out of it".
I tried to phone a hotline. They hung up on me.
I tried taking medications at one point. They didn't work.
I tried looking for online therapy. I ended up being the counselor instead in the conversation.
I also had multiple people tell me that "It's all a part of God's plan" or "some people have it worse".
And I expected the rest of my interactions to be similar along with the likes of them.
I was too scared to tell anyone else.
I thought I would be labeled an "attention seeker" or a "drama queen" if I told anyone.
I believed all my friends would leave me if I told them what I was going through.
There were also a few other things I had felt as well.
It felt like the mirror showed a completely different person.
It felt like I was seeing nightmarish visions every time I close my eyes.
It felt like I could go mad any second, and be dragged off to experience white room torture... or something similar.
It felt like I couldn't speak at all when I had to.
Still, there was more.
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For those of you who never experienced unmedicated depression, allow me to describe my experiences to you in full detail.
I have not spent a single day without blankly staring at the ceiling above me for at least half an hour, because I couldn't find any motivation to get out of bed.
I have upcoming exams in subjects that I deeply care about next month, but studying for even a few minutes immediately results in a wave of crushing fatigue.
Sometimes, I cry for a long time after I wake up - because I can't bear the thought of living through another day, and because I am frustrated with myself for being so "lazy".
I feel like there is something crushing my chest at all times, and I felt that I could cry at any moment from having to deal with the burdens I carry to please others. I am wracked with sobs for no reason I could place into words. Frankly speaking, it's very different from the sadness you may experience from a breakup or from the failure of an important exam.
Have you ever experienced pain without any physical causes? That is what crying feels like at times. Even more, the pain feels endless at times. And crying was sometimes the only way you have to express all of the pain and hurt and sadness you have.
Once all the pressure has been released - you stop and feel a lot more exhausted than ever. It doesn't depend on your conscious control. It just stops, and it will happen again and again at inopportune times. You can literally feel pieces of yourself slip away as you turn into an empty husk of what used to be the version of who people loved.
It also takes everything away from you.
I couldn't find any strength to write a single line in a journal. And I have lost interest in what I used to love to do.
I am very aware that I have become a person with a cardboard personality. I also have a decreased attention span, and couldn't remember things as well as I used to (the latter had greatly upset me, as I had prided myself on having a rather strong memory).
A few days ago, I have had a friend Whatsapp call me and ask what I have been doing for fun recently.
I couldn't answer her question since I realized that I didn't do anything at all that I enjoyed.
I just spent the entire day trying to sleep. Except I still felt exhausted.
I also spent multiple hours trying to study. Except I felt too drained to continue.
She then proceeded to stare at the camera and said spent a few minutes encouraging me to find a relaxing activity to do instead of studying, since it hasn't worked out for me. Otherwise, she would continue to cause a racket offscreen on purpose until I stopped looking into AP material.
Even though it hasn't been much, it has helped me start writing a short story that I have been thinking about for weeks.
I absolutely love her for being here for me all this time, even after I told her what I was going through and expected her to leave.
At the same time, I felt like I don't deserve any of the love I received from anyone.
I felt like they would be better off finding friends who aren't as dysfunctional. I believed they would be better off leaving, as it's better for them to not be influenced by me in negative ways.
I don't want to be left alone, even though I know I should be.
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Now, imagine having to put up with people who never understand your condition.
They keep comparing you to people who are doing better with their lives.
On top of that, imagine criticizing yourself at every moment - resulting from never being able to live up to your expectations of yourself.
Worst of all, you have to deal with persistent thoughts that never leave you alone.
"Look at your best friend. Why couldn't you be like her? Unlike you, her grades are a lot better. She is a lot more productive than you are and is a lot smarter than you are. She is better than you in every department that ever existed - physically, mentally, socially, and spiritually. Even if she had experienced difficulties in her life, she handled it a lot better than you did. And got over them quickly than you did. Besides, it's clear that your parents love her more than you."
"It has been seven years, and you haven't even recovered at all. In fact, you are getting worse. Have you even done anything at all during those times?"
"Where have your friends all gone when you needed them? It's all your fault that you have depression and anxiety. You've driven everyone away. But that was probably the right thing to do. You don't deserve to be happy, after all."
"Are you seriously trying to reach out? We've all seen what has happened the last few times you've tried. How would you know the same wouldn't happen again?"
"Wow. They really hung up on you. Guess you're a person not worth saving at all. Actually, are you even human at this point?"
"I daresay that God has already given up on you. He would never see a person who's been messed up beyond repair as his masterpiece. Let alone someone who has already tried to kill themselves once."
"Pick up the knife already. It's next to you. Drive it into yourself. It's not that hard."
"Try to aim for the thoracic aorta. You would die instantly if that happens. Except we know that likely wouldn't occur because you can't aim. So, if you stab yourself in another area, make sure to do it multiple times."
"Why haven't you killed yourself yet?! You've been fantasizing about this for months! Are you seriously chickening out at the moment where it matters?"
"...And of course you put the knife down out of fear. You can't even do anything right."
"You deserve to die alone."
Yes, I already got the message a long time ago.
I'll never be good enough.
I'm a terrible person.
I don't deserve to receive any help or support.
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Right now, as I type this post to you, I don't feel in pain. I just feel emotionally numb. Perhaps I should describe it as feeling disconnected from the world to be exact.
It's like you're watching your life from a third-person perspective.
The world looks a lot less colorful, and people seem to be muted.
The only thing that I'm seeing is the blinking cursor with letters suddenly appearing in front of my screen.
I'm not aware of the decision to type.
I'm not aware of the light that flickers next to me.
I'm not aware of the music that has been blasting through my headphones the previous hour.
I felt like I had no conscious decision that guided my life for years.
No, my body didn't suddenly get up while I was reading articles on my computer, but I was thinking about having to keep up with my workload and I started going with it. I picked up the binder and reviewed the contents again, but with tunnel vision. I didn't notice my parents as they tried to get my attention, or the messages I had from other people as my phone rang. It was like I was the only one here.
The correct decisions were made automatically, and I wasn't in my head.
You don't have access to the thoughts that go behind your decisions. The only thing you can do is to just be along for the ride.
Now combine all of that with your mental process when you feel sleep-deprived beyond belief.
You couldn't sleep at all thanks to the thoughts that occupy your mind.
Things take longer to register as being important. And you aren't thinking of anything unless the situation demands it, like a deadline that looms ahead of you.
Depression has the capability to completely alter your mindset as well.
Even though I didn't notice any initial difference with this, people had insisted that holding potential futures in equal or lower regard than suicide is isn't normal.
And it is true.
Crossing a street while wishing for a high-speeding car to crash into you isn't normal.
Staring at the pool while wishing to drown in it isn't normal.
Looking at a tree while wishing you could hang from it isn't normal.
Looking down from a height while wishing you could just jump to be free isn't normal.
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Many days, I don't want to feel better.
Now that is rather difficult to explain.
I am very aware of how well it holds me back.
I know that my grades had only progressively dropped since it set in.
And my actions in coping with it has only caused hurt in my relationships with people.
But, it feels like a comfort zone.
When you have been depressed for a long time (especially for seven years), it may just feel easier to stay sad because recovery seems too difficult.
It is the reality you've known for so long, and we have the tendency to stay in places we find familiar.
You would also fear relapsing after taking a few steps to recover. Getting thrown back into a dark void once you've experience sunlight for the first time in a while is scary, miserable, and infuriating. Now, imagine having to experience this cycle over and over no matter what you do.
At this rate, isn't it easier to just not try? You would simply avoid the disappointment that comes with failing again.
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As of now, I am studying psychology in an attempt to understand my condition.
I am familiar with the mechanisms of common antidepressants in the form of SSRIs.
I know the symptoms of depression, and how to test for them.
I know the cures as well as the protocols to help someone under emotional distress.
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It is true that exercise is a great way to cope with depression. However, it isn't a viable option at all when you sleep at least twelve hours a day, still feel exhausted, and have a heavy workload with approaching deadlines.
Even when it is, it is exactly like telling someone who has an eating disorder to "just eat more" or someone with dissociative amnesia (or even Alzheimer's) to "just remember".
Depression is a legitimate disease that can suck your energy and will to do anything away. To suggest doing something that requires both is emotionally draining for the person.
When you have no motivation to do anything and there seems to be no help you can receive - the only thing you'll feel like you could do is "hang around." If you know what I mean.
Sure, the suggestions may sound helpful. But it's most likely not going to help them at all.
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Here are some ways you can help people with depression :
You have to not be afraid to reach out to them. Even if you don't understand what they're going through, I can tell you that it does wonders for their wellbeing. Many will tend to hide away because they feel like their depression burdens other people (when this couldn't be any further from the truth). It is up to you to give them a lifeline that they will need.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of people in the world who tend to be dismissive of one's depression - or try to trivialize it, or even offer terrible advice (ex - "happiness is a choice, you know"). This will make them feel ashamed, guilty, and distraught at what they're going through. As a result, this will only make them isolate themselves more. If your loved one shares their feelings of depression, acknowledge their emotions and try to understand them to the best of your ability. Encourage them to be more open, and that you'll be here for them if they need you. It would mean a lot to them.
Regardless, don't treat them any differently as you would a normal person. Just continue to help add normalcy to their routines. Coddling them would only serve to make them feel fragile and ostracized.
Not everything needs a response. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is to be silent and listen to them vent. Show them that you truly value what they say. Spending quality time with them to watch a movie, go on hikes, have lunch together, or just simply being in the same room is more than enough for them.
Sometimes, the best solution for them is to find a licensed therapist. Even if they know therapy can help them, it can be scary to look for one and book their first appointment. You can ask them to list for things they want to ask potential therapists, and what they want to talk about in their first session. Pairing depression counseling with friendship can work wonders.
Never forget that you should also take care of yourself. It's not wrong to help a friend, but it's also important to take care of your own needs.
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On another note : the easiest way to disregard the depressed is by calling them "lazy".
On paper, that's an easy conclusion to draw.
However, I am tortured by my inability to do anything when I want nothing more than to ace my exams, maintain my relationships, and live my life as much as I could.
Depression had taken away what made up my identity.
It has warped my memories, my intelligence, my heart, my dreams, my hobbies, my thoughts, my inner voice, my relationships, and generally everything that makes me my own person.
Or at least - traits that people liked about me.
I want to be myself again.
I really do.
However, I'm trapped at the bottom of this dark hole. I can only scrape at the perfectly smooth walls, watching as the light goes dimmer and dimmer while the hole caves in and crushes me - waiting for help that almost never seems to come.
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...With the keyword being almost.
Even though I have gone through a lot in my life, I still cling on to the hope that I may one day experience joy that matches this pain - since the only way I could have felt this is if I experienced the opposite end of the mood spectrum at least once in my life.
I'll probably be able to one day look at a view from a high place and not try to calculate my odds of dying from the fall.
I'll probably be able to one day go outside, and hang out with my friends.
I'll probably be able to one day regain my identity, and maybe find new truths and definitions of the person I will be.
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As of now, I'm still struggling. Life has not gotten any easier for me.
It feels like I'm just moving laterally. I'm not getting any better or worse - I'm just shifting to different stages of depression.
And the sad thing is, depression doesn't go away for everyone.
There is a small percentage of those who can freely talk about their issues, take good care of themselves emotionally, express themselves, and generally lead a good life - and still be depressed their entire lives. For these people, depression will never leave them for good.
Even so, there are plenty of treatment options that can help keep symptoms at bay.
If you are struggling, here are some suggestions I can provide (aside from the obvious such as getting therapy, as those solutions are bound to be already mentioned on multiple websites) :
Alternatives to Getting therapy - If you're like me and you don't have the option to pay for therapy, 7cups is a website where you can receive space to vent and feel safe. However, if you want to have the best experience - you must use chat => browse listeners. After that, look for the listeners that have a purple checkmark on their profile (as it means they have passed their verification exam for active listening) and positive reviews (all reviews will be displayed on their profile). Be careful with it, as there are plenty of listeners who are likely to be trolling (especially given how this is a free service). On another note, imalive is a live online network that uses instant messaging to respond to people in crisis. Unlike 7cups, it's run entirely by trained volunteers who had to go through at least 200 hours of training. Though I'm not familiar with that site, I have heard a lot of glowing reviews about this. The only downside to this is that it only operates a few hours a day, from 7-10:30am HKT.
If You Can't Reach Out - I understand that. Set a reminder for some time from now to respond to any messages you feel like you can respond to once you've given yourself enough time to prepare. You shouldn't feel bad if you have to send a mass response telling them that you're in the middle of an emergency and will have to get to them sometime later.
If You Struggle to Feed Yourself - There is absolutely no shame in having to order food. If you can't and are afraid of using the phone, try to find something that doesn't take a lot of time and effort to make (ex - instant noodles, canned soup, or snacks). At the very least, try your best to drink some water. It's better to consume something than starve.
If You Can't Take Care of Your Hygiene - That's okay. I've struggled with this as well. Take your time, and try to take a shower for a few minutes. Wipes and mouthwash can be used to clean up yourself, if you have no motivation to shower and brush your teeth.
If You Absolutely Can't Go Outside - Try opening the blinds to your window. It may not seem like a lot, but Call a friend while they're outside so they can show you the world.
If You're Falling Behind Work and Experiencing Burnout - It's okay; I've been there multiple times. Let people know. Let your boss or teachers know that there's an emergency and you wouldn't be able to make it that day. If you firmly believe that your work environment doesn't support mental health, I would recommend letting them know there's a "family emergency" instead (even though the better option would be to leave, since you deserve to be supported). Give yourself up to two days to rest, but you will need to come back eventually. In the meantime, you'll have to take responsibility to ask your seniors to email your work to you so you know what has been missed.
If You Can't Sleep - I've always found listening to relaxing playlists and visualization scripts helpful. Of course, that would be different for everyone. Just try to find things that are quiet and soothing to give you a peaceful environment (ex - lavender oil, moon milk (warm milk with honey and cinnamon), white noise, etc.).
Try to Find Creative Hobbies - I can never stress the importance of this, especially when dealing with a mental illness. If you can't draw, coloring books exist. If you can't write a short story, journal your ideas about it in short bursts of creativity. If you can't sing, do it anyways. Just turn on the volume to your favorite song, and sing along. I guarantee that it feels good, and you can even improve your voice in the longterm. If you can't compose music, listen to pieces instead to get some inspiration. It helps to just let out our stresses in the form of creative outlets at times.
Remember - If you can survive your depression before, then you can continue to live through another period of being at the bottom of the hole. Remember that it is never about living your best life. For now, you are just trying to survive, and that is more than enough.
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Things might get better for me someday.
Until then, I can only continue to wait.
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