Good afternoon, everyone.
First of all, I want to show gratitude towards everything that has stayed with me no matter what.
I would like to thank my eyes, for always looking out for me.
My neck, for keeping my head up all the time.
And both my arms and legs, for always being there to support me.
---
For those who are new to this website, allow me to introduce myself.
I'm just some random teenager who attends a Christian school. And I'm also a (technically speaking) certified online therapist.
---
Looking back, it does sound a little funny, doesn't it?
Why would that role ever be designated to someone who heavily dislikes communication?
Sure, I know I have the reputation of being a timid and stoic person.
I also have quite the reputation for leaving people on read. But we don't talk about that here.
It's not like I utterly despise talking to people. I'm just far better articulating my thoughts through text.
Plus, my job does require listening as it does speaking - perhaps even more so.
It's just a little arellavent if you ask me.
---
This will be my last year in high school, and I've done a lot of reflecting in the years that led up to this in observing how much things have changed. To say that it's been very chaotic and unpredictable would probably be the understatement of the century.
You could say that it's been home to some of my highest highs... as well as the lowest lows of my life.
I was just someone who enjoyed studying psychology - when I found resources online that allowed volunteers to sign up to become "listeners" or people who can provide emotional support to others.
Naturally, I jumped at the opportunity.
I knew that meant starting my planned career early, but I worried if I could really help people. After all, I was just a high-school student who received an offer to jump into work as an actual therapist.
---
Then I talked more with the other students in my grade.
I met some of the friendliest, sweetest, and most unique people I've ever known.
And I couldn't be any prouder of them if I tried.
They were all very resilient to all the changes that happened to us throughout our highschool years (namely the pandemic). Instead, they just continued to blossom into individuals they should be pleased with.
I felt some of that determination to succeed rub off on me.
Had I been judging myself prematurely?
Was I more capable than what I'd given myself credit for?
---
But there has been a lingering problem that stuck with me for a while.
And as I'm sure you're all aware, I suffer from clinical depression and chronic anxiety.
The thoughts that criticize and berate and tear into me never left me alone for years.
It had pushed me to an edge where I was never able to find support or relief of any kind.
The online therapist I talked to forgot what they were supposed to do, and I ended up counseling them instead.
My parents did not understand depression and assumed it was a side effect of the acne medication I had taken that would go away soon.
A suicide hotline hung up on me in the midst of a panic attack.
And I didn't want to burden my friends with any of my problems, so I just remained silent the whole time. It is easier to carry on with a fake smile rather than let them know what was truly happening behind the scenes. Besides, I had to deal with the fear that they would leave me if I told them the truth.
No one was there. I'm left alone. And that's how it was for years.
As a result, I had attempted to take my own life - but failed out of fear.
That has remained one of the darkest periods in my life, and I really hope it remains that way going forward.
---
In the aftermath, I really started to question myself if I was really qualified to be someone who takes care of others when I couldn't take care of myself.
Was I adequate enough to help people who destroy themselves internally when I keep doing that to myself?
I could have just brushed those thoughts aside. As of now, I had only received glowing reviews from the people I've talked to - as well as gain certifications and leadership positions that cement my passion and skill in this area.
But I didn't.
I also used my time to really think about what I wanted to do from there, and how I can really build my life up from there again.
Whether those thoughts were justified, and if I’d truly failed at what I am supposed to do.
And if I had, what could I do differently? What would be the best decision for me and for my patients?
---
I had briefly contemplated dropping out for a while, but then I really started to think.
I wondered how I could channel what I’d experienced into helping my patients even more.
I started to get in touch more with my friends through online platforms, and let some of them know what really happened behind the scenes.
I've also taken other steps to try to reshape my life.
By the time I share the link to everyone else I know, there is no going back.
I know that already, and I am prepared for anything that could happen resulting from this.
And you could say I learned a lot from my experiences.
---
There has been this common idea in multiple forms of media that we should glorify and romanticize all mental illnesses.
From the depictions of the mentally ill as violent serial killers and criminal masterminds, or romanticizing conditions like depression and schizophrenia, to the causes of real psychological pain as sources of artistic inspiration or creativity. Not to mention the multiple sources that praise pain. The fact is, they’re not - and they're all painful realities one should never have to go through.
I mean, sure. My condition does come with a lot of pain. Most days, I've dealt with oppressive thoughts that mess up my day-to-day life - and I felt even more exhausted, drained, and distraught than ever. I’ve had to figure out how I was going to continue to live like this, and it’s been a nightmare.
But do you know what is more of a nightmare?
Having to live with fear that your conditions would define you for the rest of your life in the eyes of other people.
That my role isn't just a therapist, but as someone whose lifestyle should be idealized or remembered more than her achievements, personality, and identity.
---
There’s also this over-emphasis on letting these qualities be the defining features of people, rather than just small components of who they are. People live utterly normal lives with them every single day, doing what they enjoy even if they struggle with physical or psychological conditions.
For example, hello, my name is Arella Ng. I’m 17 years old, I spent most of my life in Hong Kong, and I spent most of my childhood watching psychological horror movies, pondering too hard about the ideas behind the universal language of flowers, and probably reading too many questionably reliable sources to add certain flairs to my writing.
For example, I've been reading the first ten puns I see on a subreddit page to see if any of them contain elements of dark humor.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
---
Making these disorders seem like they’re good or less serious than what they really are is just going to make things harder for people who actually suffer from them.
However, it just applies this "otherness" towards those with a mental health condition - that they're disconnected from the rest of us and exist only for our benefit.
Depression doesn't mean feeling sad because you had a rough day. It isn't poetic. It means not being able to leave your bed for days, not showering and not eating because you feel nothing on the inside. It's certainly not you sitting on your couch, looking out the window with a sad look on your face.
Anxiety doesn't mean crying because you're stressed out about one situation. It means flying into rage and lashing out at people because you felt like you've lost control. It means canceling plans out of the blue because your mind just randomly tells you that it's not safe at all for you to leave your home for the day.
Obsessive compulsive disorder doesn't mean being upset because someone messed up your collection of rainbow gel puns. It's horrifying to go through, with the intrusive thoughts that plague your mind and compulsions you're aware of but can't control.
Autism spectrum disorder doesn't make people snarky geniuses. You're confusing this with "savant syndrome", which is a rare condition where people with significant disabilities express certain abilities far superior to average.
There are no cures for these conditions, but there are lifelong treatments. And these things are costly, inconvenient, and come with an umpteen amount of side effects.
You have to live with it until you die, and there's a slight chance that it will be the thing that ends your life.
---
Those are never things that should be inspiring.
If there‘s one thing I’d want to "inspire," it’s a shift in society’s attitudes toward the disabled and mental health in general.
Where achieving normal things is seen as normal, and achieving great things is seen as great.
Where the expectations on us are the same as anyone else’s.
And where mental health conditions are never glorified, and are instead shown in the dark, excruciating reality so they could never be misinterpreted.
As for my achievements, as of this year, I’ve managed to pass my certification exam in active listening. I’ve studied different treatment methods with a group of my classmates for service projects, been granted opportunities to work with some of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, and I’ve been able to use what I love to help others. And this was a path I was on even before my darkest days.
Don’t you think that’s at least a little more praiseworthy than the "aesthetic" of mental health conditions?
---
What I want is to break down that stigma with mental health, and you can start very easily.
Talk with people, get to know them, educate yourself, and don’t be afraid to ask questions.
Above all, please listen to what they have to say too.
Thank you everyone, for being here.
---
And now this is over, allow me to spam this page with my camera roll so it can relate even more to the title.
Comments